Strawberries, Sawdust, Sex and Swastikas

Dispondent TMN staff, subtle clues to fascist origins...

Held down at gunpoint, robbed and pistol whipped, the three thieves with the unmistakeable SS iron cross around their neck and a warped T on their back left me alone and I was able to leave the bloody TMN repair shop unaided.

Finally I have installed my SIXTH TMN mobile modem. Or should I say it works on my laptop but not on my Mac or Owl's PC..... It's been a strange week. Time for another politician -kinky sex - true story!

Former spin doctor Alistair likes cooking, likes cooking naked and whilst under stress likes to hold his "tool". When his wife returned home last week, she found him bathing his love stick in a cup of milk. After her initial shock (Jaqui Smith would have smiled), he protested his innocent lactic coated wanger. It turns out he was peeling chillis and at the time accidentally held his stress releasing truncheon.

Sometimes holding a candle for Permaculture hurts. I failed to convince a new client that a big new lawn was non sustainable and a meadow with fruit trees was nicer, then I crashed into an ice sculpture truck and snapped Tiger Woods head off (it was the centre piece of some golf tournament dinner), gout, a broken house pump and leaking pipes later.
Note the missing head........

Happy Easter.. heck I like a challenge but not every day of my wonderful life:-

You know, I was whipped as a child,

Beaten up as a teenager,

Mugged as an adult,

Ripped to bits by a savage dog,

Saddened by the death of my parents

Hardened by divorce

And I can still cry my eyes out to a slushy movie..

So I have decided to get hard. And I give you lesson number one. Airports are portals of doom and destruction, germs and genocide. Avoid at all costs. If not ...............

The Burger King credit card, eat now pay later

HOW TO TURN A CREDIT CARD INTO A KNIFE

1. Select a stiff credit card - or use an old hotel room key card.

2. Take a single edged disposable razor such as a plastic bic.

3. Break the plastic head apart and remove the blade.

4. Super glue the blade to the corner of the card at an angle. It should protrude about 2 mm above the card.
5. Cover the lower part of the blade with strong tape to keep it from snagging when making deep cuts.
6. Keep the card blade down behind your drivers license.

7. This way, if someone asks you for your ID or bank card, you can whip it out and slice their neck

8. NB Although I don't fly, because of the small blade, it can be carried safely through most metal detectors.

Makes you wonder what genuinely nasty people carry on them?

TWO METHODS TO ATTACK ....... THE STOCK MARKET

Doesn't common sense tell you to stay away from casinos and online gambling .. otherwise known as the stock market.

Mr A. (Not his real name, is it Mr R.) advocates diving in now to the stock market. This plump, diabetic ruin of a man, who would be a real nice guy if he ever shuts up is still buying dodgy Chinese bank shares.

Mr T. (Maybe his real name) has sold all his shares as soon as the banks started to cheat and is somewhat coincidentally currently touring China.

BBC ACTUALLY MENTIONS THE P WORD

Raised beds, morning after the night before...

Yes, Gardeners World last week actually built raised beds and lined them with cardboard, scored some free council compost and mentioned Permaculture. Gosh, next they might even build a compost loo. I wish they might suggest that you could actually share an allotment with a few friends and invest in "Square Foot Gardening", one of the best books on vegetable gardening in small spaces.

It's still a wonderful world, just sometimes you have to remember the best stuff..